Could we arrange to have payments spread out over several months? Her husband, whom she had met while a student at the university in Mexico, had been a surgeon and was killed in an automobile accident one evening while rushing to the hospital on an emergency call. I was in a place like Mecca where people go to commit suicide legally. It began with: Death is all around me. Well, I can keep it very brief. We arranged to meet twice weekly. The patent-leather car, the box, my coffin, has no front windows either., Gradually, with relatively little prompting from me, Marvin began to wade into deeper waters. Over the next several months of therapy, I continued faithful to Marge. Yet they are so subtle in character that they generally elude most research-outcome questionnaires. She was right: she was living her life eight years ago. His blood pressure (he had told me earlier) had risen to one hundred ninety over one hundred twenty; and six years before, at a time of stress, he had had a severe, nearly fatal coronary. At our first session six months before, I had asked him, after a few pleasantries, What ails?, He responded, I cant get it up any more!, I was astonished. I had been contemplating my nails as he spoke, and smiled as I looked up, expecting to see an ironic, playful expression on his face. Never tried to find out. I arrived at his house early in the morning, entered through the door, mysteriously left ajar, and conducted therapy by the side of Sauls bed, where he lay flattened by an ailment we both knew was fictitious. And I guess you can say Ive found a way to take them with me! How disquieting to realize that reality is illusion, at best a democratization of perception based on participant consensus. Penny said she hardly noticed his going. I couldnt open up my bed until everyone was out of the living room at night, and in the morning had to get up and fold it away before anyone was up and about.. Hi Annie, thank you for taking the time to read my review (rant)! Chrissies death and Pennys deep disappointment in her two sons must have kindled her regret at having given up her girls, must have made her feel that not only did the wrong child die, but the wrong children were adopted. As you seeshe ran her fingers through her uncombed hairI no longer tend to my appearance.. Her face grew rounder, her bodice fuller. Every minute of my time was committed to completing a research proposal, and the deadline for the grant application was rapidly approaching. Harry, who is almost never critical of me, said to me last night as I picked at my dinnerIve hardly eaten anything this weekAre you feeling sorry for yourself again?, How do you explain whats happening to you?, Its like Ive been in a magic show and now Ive come outsideand its very gray outside.. His eyes open now to the existential facts of life, he was grappling with the inevitability of death and with his powerlessness to save himself. Ive always believed that its as important to find out what makes one better as it is to determine what makes one worse, so I asked her what had made the difference. Her home had always beckoned her with its cushions, gardens, comforters, and deep carpets. That seemed to help. Never have I felt so keenly the dual role of the therapist as participant-observer. I like the way he avoided diagnosis or categorization. All of this followed our session with Matthew. Before you can let go of Chrissie, you need to want to, to be willing to. Nonetheless, I felt convinced that I could resolve this whole crisis in one or two sessions. What payoff did Dave get from a belief that he was imprisoned by a woman? Gone forever was the construct of Matthew as sociopath or exploiter-therapist. Too ashamed to invite any visitor inside, she tried at first to repay invitations by entertaining in restaurants. To lose a parent or a lifelong friend is often to lose the past: the person who died may be the only other living witness to golden events of long ago. I have nothing to hide. Chrissie, I surmised, was Pennys hope for the future: it was she who could have rescued the family from its destiny of poverty and crime. Dave would respond by sharing less. Did the rapist tear our clothing? More signs of thawing: she snapped her neck and sent her long black hair flying to one side and then combed her fingers through it. Sixty-nine-year-old men have been known to die suddenly. I didnt know where I ended and another started. ), Carlos grinned at me. Before we began therapy, I had informed Marge that we could meet for a maximum of eighteen months because of my sabbatical plans. I promised him that, even though he never asked it, and I kept that promiseuntil now. I didnt know yet, but I didnt think he was either in love or loving. Decision invariably involves renunciation: for every yes there must be a no, each decision eliminating or killing other options (the root of the word decide means slay, as in homicide or suicide). Naturally, I was concerned about her depression. Ill miss our meetings. I, too, felt satisfied with our work. They warded off aging and kept Daves passion frozen in time. I had known Carlos to close up completely like this on other occasions. Every pound put up a fight, but Betty stayed on the diet. Or mine. Despite Matthews high-sounding ethics, I believe I am more honest than he. She was talking in lists again. A little effort, a little ingenuity should suffice to yank the whole weed out. Furthermore, being an observer would provide me an unusual opportunity to reevaluate Marie. Yet her problem fascinated me. Betty flushed. She was working in a bookstore. I felt cruel during these weeks because of the pain our therapy was uncovering. Soon I received an urgent, alarmed message from the dreamer:I had been bringing new furniture into the house, but then I couldnt close the front door. Youve come to see me for help, and this is just what Im trained to do. Youve thought that maybe he was trying to drive you to suicide. She became preoccupied with the capriciousness of death. Should I remove my shoes and tiptoe aboutall shrinks have a bit of the sleuth in them till I found them, rip them open, and restore Saul to sanity with their contents? I told her that I had read an alumni bulletin and noted that six persons in my college class have died. I noted with some satisfaction that I wasnt the only one she addressed in the third person. Now that I had Daves permission, I proceeded to give the group members, who were by now mystified by our exchange, the relevant background: the great importance of the letters to Dave, Sorayas death thirty years ago, Daves dilemma about where to store the letters, his request that I store them, and my offer, which he had so far declined, to keep them only if he agreed to inform the group about the entire transaction. Ill give you a hint. Lets try to turn this into a learning experience for him. His mother was outside. I knew what those letters meant: they were my final judgment, my personal apocalypse. He was going to kill it soon anyway, with drugs, with AIDS. At first they startled, then irritated, her. It was deeply frustrating. Eventually I realized I would learn no more, and said my final goodbye. It seemed to me at the time that I had made the right recommendation. Consequently, Chrissie was forced to be alone with her thoughts. They had already driven off, but she jumped into her large, souped-up pickup and followed them at high speed down the highway trying to ram them off the road. I did not think that he would be a good candidate for a deep, uncovering type of psychotherapy. Consider things now from Phylliss side: if she, in her love for you, accepts the role of goddess that you assign her, think of what that role does to her own possibilities for growth. Her company had originally trained her, along with eight other novices, in a three- month intensive course. Though I had never seen Saul so abject, I was convinced that I would be able to render help quickly. What do you want me to do with them? I asked. Im here to make one final attempt in therapy to find a way to live with some iota of happiness. People in California had their own tight cliques and did not welcome strangers. He looked awful. Marvin started to read the dream in such a mechanical manner that I stopped him and employed the old Fritz Perls device of asking him to begin again and to describe the dream in the present tense, as though he were experiencing it right now. And another pleaded, I want the parents, the childhood I never had, as he agonized over three letters he could not bring himself to open. Penny said she woke up crying, but could not put her finger on the sad part of the dream. But I was careful to tread a fine line. My pleasure with her progress? It was like we had just talked the previous day. Like I shouldnt have been saying these things about Phyllis. While sitting in that seat of power, I had an extraordinary writerly experience. She became obsessed with why? Now was the time we could address the underlying sense of emptiness and futility that had fueled the obsession. Mikes statement was wonderfully lucid and delivered with just the proper mixture of professionalism and paternalism. . Despite her two hundred and fifty pounds, Betty and I had rarely discussed her eating and her weight. She viewed, she told me now, my suggestion about a possible career in nursing as a put-down, and accused me of saying, The girls not smart enough for medical schoolso let her be a nurse!, At times, she was petulant and regressed. But Ill be honest with youit makes a lot of sense and I probably will do it. Saul could go no further. But, obviously, I had miscalculated. Articles Find articles in journals, magazines, newspapers, and more; Catalog Explore books, music, movies, and more; Databases Locate databases by title and description; Journals Find journal titles; UWDC Discover digital collections, images, sound recordings, and more; Website Find information on spaces, staff, services, and more . Self-esteem improved and there was corresponding significant improvement on several other scales: anxiety, hypochondriacal, psychoticism, and obsessionalism. Whats the big deal? he asked, and then claimed he personally wouldnt mind being raped by an attractive woman. Perhaps the single most important therapeutic credo that I have is that the unexamined life is not worth living. Getting Matthew into this office might be the key to a true examination and understanding of whats been happening to you these past eight years.. Though we may falter, grow ill, though we may arrive at the very edge of life, there is, we are convinced, a looming, omnipotent servant who will always bring us back. He had not been found out! . Thats rich! The moment demanded a decision, and I chose to stand by Marge. Momma & the Meaning of Life Irvin D. Yalom, MD Not that it would make any difference. I was irritated with Marvin. The patient, who had been enumerating ghastly deeds committed by his tyrannical father, ended by commenting, And he eats raw hamburger! The interviewer, who had struggled hard to maintain his neutrality, was no longer able to contain his outrage, and bellowed back, Raw hamburger? For the rest of that year, the phrase raw hamburger was often whispered in lectures and invariably cracked up the class. Had it always been there? I dont think Ive had a good girlfriend for thirty years. The idea of him hating me is unbearable. His lover, Soraya? The event is severe (his migraines are exceptionally disabling); it is unexpected (sex never presented any unusual problems previously); and it is sudden (it erupted in full force precisely six months ago). Furthermore, he was especially kind to Bettyperhaps it was that he knew she was my patient, perhaps that she came along when he was in a generous (everybody has got a heart) state of mind, perhaps simply that he always had a fondness for fat women (which, I am embarassed to say, I had always considered further proof of his perversity). You kept putting the responsibility onto me, making me take charge of the session. Or forcibly impose my will on a man who, incapable of acting in his best interests, allowed himself to be terrorized by three unopened letters? Though Dave seemed a little anxious, he was refreshingly engagedno game playing today. I knew that the most important thing I could do for her, especially in this time of crisis, was to maintain our relationship and not allow her to drive me away. To treat someone as an equal implies an inequality which the therapist must overcome or conceal by behaving as though the other were an equal. In those days I would have deepened Marges hypnotic state, regressed her in age, asked her to explore early traumasfor example, her fathers sexual abuseand urged her to experience and discharge all the attendant feelings, the fear, the arousal, the rage, the betrayal. Its clear hes going to tell it his way, not mine. I cant talk to Harry because Ive got only two things on my mindMatthew and suicideand both topics are off limits. Thelma, when you ask whether psychiatry doesnt prefer to work with younger patients, it sounds to me that there is a personal question in there., Thelma, as usual, avoided the personal. Her dental sessions in his office were humiliating: whenever his assistant left the room, he would make sexually suggestive comments and manage frequently to brush his hands across her breasts. (Elva was sixty, four foot eleven, and at least one hundred sixty pounds.). If I were too honest, Marge would see how much I preferred the other Marge. This is the worst possible time to stop therapy. It seemed natural for her to adjust the crumpled collar of his shirt, to brush the lint from his jacket, to take his arm as they climbed Nob Hill. I looked up in amazement at Marvin, who seemed unmoved and unappreciative of the power of his own creation, and the notion occurred to me that this was not, could not be, his dream. The body is stiff; the face taut; cold, repetitive thoughts clog the brain. Dr Yalom's case histories are more gripping than 98 percent of the fiction published today, and he has gone to amazing lengths of honesty to depict himself as a realistic flesh-and-blood character: funny, flawed, perverse, and, above all, understanding -- Phillip Lopate I loved Love's Executioner. This existential dilemmaa being who searches for meaning and certainty in a universe that has neitherhas tremendous relevance for the profession of psychotherapist. I dont think shes ever shared that before certainly not with a group. After an unusually long silence, Thelma stated that she needed more time to think about it. She mollified me: Its not you. She remained proud, somewhat judgmental, and resistive to new ideas. But I never found anyone. K. He wants Mexico for vacationO.K. Hes not in the yard. I think he ought to know that Im talking about him to you. I could see it was hard for her to tell me thisbut at this point I couldnt be sure what hurt worse: telling me about the rape, or how she had excessively revealed herself to her group. It was gratifying to him that I had seen him performing so competently and efficiently. But for Elva it was more than a simple assault. You and Matthew are both innocent bystanders. Neither of you were really relating to the other but to some fantasy of the other. I fought to keep my equilibrium. What did Penny's work with Yalom start and end as? Three pairs of sunglasses. In this instance, for example, if he hadnt been desperate for Dr. K.s approval, he would have avoided the whole problem by doing what any collaborator doessimply keep ones co-author informed about all developments in their joint work. But Thelma was too involved in developing her list to hear my words. I dont think Dan would have wanted to work with someone so skeptical. Id like you to check in on your internal state every four hours, when you are awake, and jot down your observations. She was a stubby, unattractive woman, part gnome, part sprite, and each of those parts ill tempered. Surely he can send some of that loving-kindness my way!. Therapeutic Processes in Irvin Yalom's Love's Executioner Im going to have to explain all this to Phyllis. Marvin was scribbling away furiously now. Now I was really worried but, again, decided not to comment on his withdrawal. Unfortunately feminism with the best of intentions is destroying respect for motherhood, masculinity and relations between the genders. Medication had been of no value and it was to relieve the pain that I had suggested a hypnotic consultation. 541-301-8460 love's executioner two smiles summary Licensed and Insured love's executioner two smiles summary Serving Medford, Jacksonville and beyond! Never before had a patient asked me to be the keeper of love letters. Though my response asking whether she worried about entering nonvirgin territorywas a sorry joke, it nonetheless initiated an important discussion about sex. He would quiz me with some new fact gleaned from the morning paper: What vegetable has the highest sugar content? Environmental impact statements outline the _______. The truth is that we know but do not know. I was about to offer my formal recommendation that he begin a course of cognitive behaviorial therapy (an approach based on changing concrete aspects of behavior, especially marital communication and sexual attitudes and practice) when, almost as an afterthought, Marvin mentioned that he had had some dreams during the week. The patient has either to forego growth or to grow and jeopardize the union. Had Betty not known that her time in therapy was limited, she might, for example, have taken far longer to achieve the inner resolve she needed to begin her weight loss. She began to have acute panic attacks and many disturbing dreams, and, as she put it, she died at least three times a night. Since she was phobic about seeing doctors (because of her shame about her body, she rarely permitted a physical exam and had never had a pelvic exam), it was hard to reassure her about her health. It is true I was unsympathetic to Elmer, but I knew about my lack of interest in dogs and had been carefully monitoring myself. . What was the last event in the chapter on Elva and what was the meaning of the event? Pain that is all too easily accessible. Marvin continued to be skeptical about the psychotherapeutic enterprise and showed little interest in an inner journey. How would it be for her living in the communitybeing available for legal rape, a piece of ass for whoever happens to be horny and gets off on force and seventeen-year-old girls?, Suddenly Carlos stopped grinning. He had flung open the sluice gates of awareness, only to be inundated with death anxiety. love's executioner two smiles summary Call us today! My attempts to generate power were shamefully inelegant and consisted mainly of fumbling, nagging, and repetitively circling her obsession and bashing away at it. Thelma (Loves Executioner) knew that her love obsession was stripping her life of reality. If thats so, Thelma, what better place to work on it than right here and now in therapy?, Thelma nodded her head more vigorously. But first, I want to say that I appreciate your recommendation last week. Ive spent all week thinking about a meeting with Matthew. Thats what good accountants get paid for. Love's Executioner offers a tragic, deeply felt vision of the human condition. He cried in my office that day. The process has been long and Ive no doubt lost names along the way. Yet Ive often thought about that crime. But soon I heard my voice offering her another appointment. Her purse was stolen, which she believed would never happen because she perceived that the late Frank protected her. We stayed on such a formal level that our use of first names seemed ungainly. Her eyes blazed as she continued to defile Marge who, she said, was incurable, hopeless, and pathetic. As I had expected, Thelma did not keep her next appointment three weeks later. Its an old friend. Other prognostic signs clamored for my attention, but I chose to ignore them. I wish we could have sessions like that every time. It was not that Marie could not be decisive. She always stuttered when she grew distraughtshe stuttered and distorted her face. He freely offered the names of hospitals and his treating physicians if I should want to call. Nor would it be helpfulnow or probably ever. The members complained, too, of Daves secretiveness in the group. I want to tear the food away. In reality, they had had a strictly professional relationship which had in no way splashed over the formal patient-therapist boundary. I had grasped the first half: I knew that the dirty old shoe represented Dave.