If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line. Here are the funniest court cases of all time! ._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN{margin:0;padding:0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;margin:8px 0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ.QgBK4ECuqpeR2umRjYcP2{opacity:.4}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label svg{fill:currentColor;height:20px;margin-right:4px;width:20px;-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_ svg{display:inline-block;height:12px;width:12px}._2b2iJtPCDQ6eKanYDf3Jho{-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{padding:0 12px}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:12px;letter-spacing:unset;line-height:16px;text-transform:unset;--textColor:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80);font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;color:var(--textColor);fill:var(--textColor);opacity:1}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F._2UlgIO1LIFVpT30ItAtPfb{--textColor:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:active,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:hover{color:var(--textColorHover);fill:var(--textColorHover)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:disabled,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[data-disabled],._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[disabled]{opacity:.5;cursor:not-allowed}._3a4fkgD25f5G-b0Y8wVIBe{margin-right:8px} Whats your secret for a long, happy life? I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, Occupation?. The satisfactory. Uncle Ben has died. You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing at the bottom. Because he broke all the records. Don't be the person to initiate that. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?. Its shift work. A receding hare-line. So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. Please, not while Im eating.Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson. Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. Tomac. and the one on the right is where I go to church., The man sneers, Thats the church I used to attend!, Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing., Theres a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. And what was that? Its just as I thoughtyou dont know.Submitted by Gene Newman. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee. I know, says the second dog owner. Crocker, you are just fine, insisted the nurse. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. 100 Good Comebacks Best Funny, Witty Comebacks Ever - Parade you couldn't kick jokesmichelle fleury ancestry. What are you doing? Counting your ribs.Submitted by William Halliday. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. Pack your stuff, they're waiting. Tap To Copy. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, Yeah, the service stinks! Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. These jokes are a fantastic selection of humorous jokes about football that are clean and entertaining. You can only stalk them and hope for the best. [Read:55 funny quotes about love and all its complications], 6. Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. Then she called, Here, kittySubmitted by Khalid Khan. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. Cant you take a joke? You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. That's why we've rounded up that set of (clean) jokes for adults and kids alike that will have the whole family laughing. Now, sure. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults I have to walk back alone.Submitted by Harry Klein, A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctors office. Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note. @anniemumary. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners 70 Hilariously Funny Jokes - Absolutely Hilarious Jokes to Tell Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. [Read: 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing]. But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. How many times did you hit him? asks the detective. George, everyone who sees it there will know what youre doing, she told him in front of their church group. Yo mama so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application. This isnt my child. GCFL.net, A skeleton walks into a bar. 100+ Laugh Out Loud Chuck Norris Jokes | Thought Catalog you couldn't kick jokes - Laque.com.my They get really upset. The only reason Im fat is because a tiny body couldnt store all this personality.[Read: How to be funny and make people love your company], 29. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? Try these funny birthday jokes! Dont miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out forand their best jokes. Wow these drinks are big!, The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! ._3-SW6hQX6gXK9G4FM74obr{display:inline-block;vertical-align:text-bottom;width:16px;height:16px;font-size:16px;line-height:16px} If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.. Sweatin' like a whore in . ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} And in the morning kick me in the head Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore You led me away from home 'Cause you didn't want to be alone You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried I suppose I could collect my books And get . ' . But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.. "c**tpuffin, "It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally. We have the best football jokes kids would love. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. Just received a card full of rice. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners The shaken turtle replies, I dont know. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?, A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails. Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now Im the proud owner of aisle seven. @domesticgoddss, My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!, I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. Sorry, Im not Adele. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. Whats the matter? the psychiatrist asked. They hurt my feelings. A. P., via e-mail. Check out more bad dad jokes from Twitter that will have you chuckling. You cant make somebody love you. The Hepatitis Bee. Milton Jones, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, The pollen count, now thats a difficult job. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? ", "Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. Submitted by Andre Batista. Im okay, he says, but I didnt like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery. What did he say? the nurse asks. Will I die? she asks. A man is struggling to find a parking space. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. No joke. It's my first time too. Face your problems, dont Facebook them., 4. Toughest job I ever had? 87 FUNNY Soccer Jokes To Get You Laughing! 2023 - Jokes Quotes Factory Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. Try giving them one of these funny compliments! Being broken up with. Some days you eat salads and go to the gym. Youre about to hit a home run and you want to jump in the air and scream yes! because for once you know exactly what to say. 8. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, Im sorry I gave you a joltit was my fault. No, it was mine, the driver said. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. We recommend our users to update the browser. He was a great vet. I was looking for $150.Anonymous, A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. Both as a joke, but also because she was peeved, Alyshah then moved . Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. [Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life], 23. Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor. What do you call a fake noodle? After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. Friend making bad life choices? What happened to ya?, Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. 10. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. Four-year-old boy I babysit: *suspicious* Me: *Lays out books* Four-year-old: Well, this is disappointing. Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. Student: A drinking problem. Thesehilarious school storiesare guaranteed to give you a laugh. Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. The fact that hed been dead for 40 years didnt sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?, Well, yes, she said reluctantly. Its from Uncle Ben. The head monk, says, You make a good point, my son.. A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. I dont know, she replies. Jim nervously mimicked her. When your ex says, Youll never find anyone like me reply with: thats the point., 21. 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners moments. My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff. [Read: All the quotes you need while going through a breakup], 15. I kill their plants and I love mischief. Couldn't organise a blow-job in a brothel. Well done, you managed to deliver the perfect insult or smartass line. A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone. Dont stick around for follow ups because youll lose the power. ", "Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphy's Lawbut you guysprobablydon't know about Cole's law, am I right? Menu. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldnt get a word in. I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes They were having an ongoing conversation on Snapchat when he stopped responding last week. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. I think my friend is dead! he yells. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Me: Yes. As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. Driver: "Isn't it your job to tell me?". Ugh! the student groaned. What are you? asks the cat. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. What else do you want? Id love to have a red Porsche, he says. Im actually not funny. Well well wellif it isnt autocorrect. you couldn't kick jokes - Johnnyroadtrip.com If youre cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?, 12. 2. I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. Lets explore the role of humor in an intimate relationship. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasnt. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. And how long has it been since your last confession?, I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smiths door and says, Theres been an accident at the brewery. He shouts to her, Hey, why are you crossing the road? The chicken replies, To change the light bulb in the henhouse. Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? Submitted by Hoss Alfred. I take that as a compliment. Learn them and youll never have that I wish Id said that moment again! Submitted by C.A. Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. From the best clean jokes for adults to funny clean jokes of the day, this big SFW list has something hilarious for everyone: kids, teens, seniors and co-workers. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with a dog." When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, Where do you get your mussels? The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, Cross-training?Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: Whats Edith Piafs favourite airline? Honey, whats for supper? No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. short for? I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. It is ranked top 3 sports in America. 16. A book just fell on my head. Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. A few minutes later, he asks againstill no reply. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? He doesnt look at all dangerous to me. If you ran as much as you ran your mouth, youd be in great shape., 43. Hes done it again!, When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. It can be a shared little world of private jokes, silly characters, and inside jokes that build trust and bring you closer to each other. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. Here are the best insulting smartass quotes we could find. This Teen Pulled A Hilariously Cold "Knock Knock" Joke To Block A Guy He said, I want you to trace someone for me. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners Brand: Top Craft Case. That evening, he decides to go out. . 2023 LovePanky.com Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | About Us | Write for Us | Contact Us, 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing, 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback, 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications, Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny, 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to, All the quotes you need while going through a breakup, Being single 30 happy, inspiring quotes for singles, 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life, How to be funny and make people love your company, 101 Savage good comebacks for every witty, funny, or rude comment, 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted, 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback, Ready to charm? But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.