Love and (Polygamous) Marriage? 'I've been a second wife for a year and a half. You get easily insecure and offended as you feel that everything your spouse does revolve around his ex-wife and kids. International Journal of Social Psychiatry. Six were first (senior) wives, four were second wives, and one was the 3rd wife in status. Somehow, you probably have always pictured someone who has never been married. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality, being a stepparent is out of this world hard. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding. Then there are the kids. Eleven women participated in the study. Shes a nurse, not one of those rude ones, and she was kind and very helpful. Eva wasn't happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. When even used-car dealers dont regard themselves as purveyors of second-hand merchandise, when second-hand clothes stores are now consignment shops, why should I stick with the second-wife moniker? So, she accepted this relationship. If he does so, either in public or secret, she has the right to divorce him. She got a marriage proposal from a married man to be his second wife as his first wife had a medical condition due to which he had not been able to sleep with her for last 11 years. They often include not-so-subtle warnings about what's to come, designed to keep you strong and united in the face of conflict, change, hardship, kids. I will make another video using your. Im raising my son to be a responsible man who will not look down on women, like my father does, she says. After those three days I regretted everything and I blamed myself for her heartache, he says. Decisions made by two people in first families are often made or influenced by four or more adults in stepfamilies. But the current qualitative study is an attempt to fill the gaps that are left unexposed by survey-based or quantitative research and particularly to explore the positive consequences of polygamy and coping strategies which the polygamous women used to deal with co-wives relationships other than causes and disadvantages of co-wives. Only 11 of the 26 women agreed to participate in the study. I'm seven months pregnant. No one does; no little girl longs to grow up and walk down the aisle to the strains of "Here Comes the Second Bride, All Dressed in an Ivory Suit." The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? But Ron and I had already endured hardship . She told her a tragic story. I knew society is very cruel and it would be very tough for me to bring up them without father." After her husbands second marriage she said, I moved to a separate household, to me, it works best because I dont have to see her (co-wife) come into the house to visit my husband. They get along because this is normal to them they have agreed to it., We live in a world where facts and fiction get blurred. What's popular and why. Since that we gave importance, care and love toward each other, i accept his proposal. Mrs. Tanveer (first wife) has accepted the co-wife relationship because to her religion has allowed the man for multiple wives. She said "After it, my husband was not trustworthy for me anymore. But the . There are many things about a divorced family that can be nontraditional, especially holidays. She also never tried to snatch her husband from the previous co-wives as she said in her religion the Holy Book says A man can marry women of his choice two or three or four, but there must be justice and equality otherwise only one is enough". She was living with her in-laws and never allowed her husband to live with his second wife in the same household. This was a very uncertain and painful time for me. It can be a challenge if wounds from old relationships arent quite healed. She told, It was very shocking and tragic for me to have another female in my husband's life". His actions went against the traditional practice of asking for her permission and mediating until a solution is found, but legally he was within his rights. I realized, several years after I remarried, that one of my oldest friends never quite forgave me for getting on with life after my divorce. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. Jul 20, 2016, 1:53 AM. When her husband refused, she said that she convinced and allowed her husband for second marriage. Their mean age was 33.83 ranging from 18-50 years. The first author analyzed the transcripts line by line, which was read repeatedly and thematically analyzed for their contents. But over the years, as we get in our 30s and 40s, we mature and realize that life just happens, no matter if you plan for other things. He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. One of the hardest aspects of being a second wife is having to deal with the emotional baggage of the failed marriage. Should second wives post billboards proclaiming that we are not necessarily women who flounce through life wearing ankle bracelets, feather boas, and alligator shoes? In the current study, co-wives reported several negative consequences of polygamy such as jealousy, lack of trust, unhappiness, loneliness, unequal financial division, and social privileges among the multiple wives those are consistent with previous studies conducted in UAE, Kuwait, Egypt, Jordan, the Gaza Strip, Arabs in Israel, Palestine, and Turkey which point out that the wives in polygamous marriages have reportedly more psychosocial, familial and economic problems compared to their counterparts from monogamous families [16-20]. We may also learn that if we dont want to get hurt again, to put up a wall, or other such adjustments. 2005; 44(1): 81-98. Many first marriages start with two young, giddy people, unfettered by the realities of life. Lots of people are betraying their partners while pretending to be monogamous. A man and his second wife in Pakistan tell of their daily fear of being killed by assassins at the behest of their families. He killed her when I was nine years old and he was arrested. Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. When your friends talk about Christmas and having the whole family there togetheryoure over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. Data was collected from 11 polygamous women who consented to an in-depth interview. 2231-7791 Copyright 2023, Department of psychiatry, Institute of Applied Psychology University of Punjab, Lahore, Pakistan. All are located in new apartment buildings in good neighborhoods; their total value is about $5 million. She said that time was very painful for me and my little daughters. What kind of man has three wives and no job? These reasons are in line to some extent with the current outcomes as infertility and having only female children was also one of the major factors for polygamous marriage. She was very much disturbed and afraid of losing her husband. In all the other cases of infertility, family pressure was the main factor despite childlessness (Table 1). The psychological health of women is essential to raising a sound, healthy family and should receive high priority, particularly in developing countries where resources are limited. Mrs. Amir had no baby so she said, "It's Allah's plan for me and I have accepted my fate". Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mother's experience was awful. You know, its so sad because the new wives are also being treated horribly by my father but theyre too proud to talk to my mother because of the way they mistreated her.. Dont be too quick to bash him, Lillian advises other women in her position. Divorce can be an expensive proposition. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Your wedding is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. She also stated that "whenever I am depressed, I am used to saying my prayers and get relief because divorce is not an option for me." PostedNovember 5, 2012 It protects the families from contracting sexually transmitted diseases and possible deviation to an illegal sexual association [3]. However, several limitations exist. In turn, some women don't tell their friends about their husband's other partners because young people in the region are becoming more outspoken on how polygamy is an arrangement that is designed. One wife raises her fertility in response to an increase by the other wife because to them children are the best claim to resources controlled by the husband [22,23]. Dealing with your partner's baggage. For example, many people view second wives as cheating, homewreckers, and gold diggers. As she stated, "out of sight, saying of mind.". The outcomes of polygamous marriages have also been seen. Participant Mrs. Abdullah stated that in her pain after her 1st husband's death and later divorce from her previous husband due to barrenness when she met her third husband who dealt her effectively with her emotional pain. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. While a second marriage can be successful, its still a relationship composed of two imperfect people. Al-Sharfi M, Pfeffer K, Miller KA. Polygamy as sort of status symbol. Mrs. Imam, Mrs. Ahmad, Mrs. Kamran, and Miss Nadia also admitted co-wives relationship and compromised with this relationship (Table 3). One Sunday morning Thamsanqa sat her down and asked her how shed feel if he took a second wife. An interview guide was prepared before conducting interviews which were consisted of the following research questions based on literature. The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. You feel stuck and feel as if you do not belong where you are. It was hell for my mom and me afterwards, Evelyn says. Rehman J. There are many stereotypes associated with being a second wife. Family pressure: Family pressure is also one of the common reasons for polygamous marriages. Thats life. Khattak AK. She stated out of sight, out of mind, She preferred the living arrangement. The two new wives bullied my mother and called her names. To seek the coping strategies to accept the new relationship by co-wives. Both verbal and written consent was obtained. Marriage Counseling vs. Love marriage: Love marriage is a very common reason for co-wives [13]. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR. A Comparison of family functioning, life, and marital satisfaction, and mental health of women in polygamous and monogamous marriages. Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. A qualitative methodology was adopted to explore the experiences of polygamous women. Your spouse has lost their first wife either to divorce or death, both of which bring immense, albeit very different, pain and coping mechanisms. He didn't want to leave his first wife because they had already had 4 children together. Reviewed by Lybi Ma. Azad Chaiwala says he first "came out" as polygamous when he was just 12 . Mrs. Imam was the first wife with a love marriage and she had two female children in three years. For Lillian Makhubalo* it was like a blow to the heart. After the wedding they all moved into a bigger house with cottages at the back for the children. I am the grown-up woman he married as a grown-up man. In the modern-day polygamy is not as much disputed as in the past. The effects of polygamy on children and adolescents: A systematic review. My first marriage--even though it lasted five years--did not. 2016; 22(3): 272-286. Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Psychosocial and familial functioning of children from polygynous and monogamous families. I was so sad and heartbroken to the point of not speaking to him for three days! After calming down Lillian communicated her feelings and concerns to Thamsanqa, and he explained his point of view. What Is Marriage Coaching? Tabi MM, Doster C, Cheney T. A qualitative study of women in polygynous marriages. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. The study is not against polygamy but the need to improve the family structure of polygamous families is a major concern. King MT. We have an ordinary life. Stanford University Press. She also explained, "I never made differences among children". Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mothers experience was awful. Every possibility seems available to them. The second wife will have all of these extra people in her life that she never bargained for and it can be a lonely or isolating feeling. Rossi P. Strategic choices in polygamous households: Theory and evidence from Senegal. 2 Meet other future spouses. 17-Dec-2021, DOI: 10.54615/2231-7805.47221. Archives of Women's Mental Health. Polygamy is often confused with polyamory and bigamy. 2008; 148(6): 745-764. I live in a rented flat and pay half the rent. Lillian, for example, says she changed her mind because she could see how sorry Thamsanqa was for hurting her, and when he explained his reasons she was able to move from heartbreak to acceptance. Polyamory is not just about sex, both Farmer and Schippers point out, whereas open marriages, open relationships and swinging tend to emphasize the sexual parts of a relationship. For Aneesa Azeez, a 23-year-old Muslim convert and college graduate, her husband's . Mrs. Ahmad being 2nd wife told that after second marriage "I and my co-wife did not get along; our children also did not get along, and there was constant bickering between us. She stated I prefer not to attend the same social function or activity with my rival (co-wife). composed of two imperfect people. I was 14 when mom and dad told us Mam Thembi would be our second mother. So why is the phrase second wife so unnerving? It doesnt mean that it wont last. In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. Policy-makers should be made aware of the implications of polygamous marriages on womens health and well-being.